Friday, September 09, 2005
Unlikeable
How do you know if you're unlikeable? I've wondered that lately, since I don't have many IRL friends. Granted, we've only lived here a year, but we've lived here a year, KWIM? It seems I haven't really had any good friends in goodness, 8 years. And often I wonder if people just sort of put up with me.
I've known people who are just sort of "weird." I tend to attract them actually. I've thought that it's because I'm nice to them, but maybe it's because I'm annoyingly weird too????
Is there a way to know if you are annoying? What if you don't realize it? I don't THINK I'm annoying, but who is ever annoying on purpose?
I try to put out a friendly "vibe," I try to not be real "needy," I try to ask questions about other people and therefore not monopolize the conversation, I've been told I'm witty...maybe I smell or something?
The first major experience I've had where friends have just sort of "left" me was in college. I had a group of friends that I was really tight with. Then I got engaged, and by the time my wedding rolled around, everyone had just sort of left me high and dry. The girls who were my bridesmaids were still friendly to me, and people still came to my wedding, but there was just something "up," and to this day I have no idea what it was. A while back I chit-chatted with my then boyfriend at the time, and he actually knew exactly what I was referring to, but when I asked what it was all about, he said not to worry about it. So of course that tells me that SOMETHING happened! But what???
Other friends just start to (seemingly) avoid me. Not return calls, have other plans any time I want to get together, etc. Now, there is a good chance that they are just super busy, and these women I'm sure are. But after a while and after soooooo many unanswered calls (and we're talking maybe I call once a month, it's not an everyday thing!), it makes me wonder if it's me, ya know?
Is there a way to know if you're unlikeable? It's not like people will come out and actually TELL you. They just seem to avoid you. Which is why I've been pondering this....
14 Comments:
Those are great heart rending questions. I don't think you're weird. I've met you and think we'd be friend IRL if we lived closer.
Ya know what I love? When I come here to post a comment and I'm not logged it, I'm told to pick an identity. LOL. Uhmmmmmm today I'd like to be Lucille Ball please.
I don't know if you're weird. I like you just fine. :)
I have found that even for me, even though I am pretty sure most people find me very likable, people today seem to not need or want friends, or else they are too socially awkward to BE a friend.
If you get a good friend in this life, it is a rare blessing. I've lived in my town for 5 years and only have a few aquaintances, not one of them someone I could call to go out to dinner with. Well, maybe I COULD, but I would feel weird about it.
Aw thanks VA! So am I safe in assuming that I DON'T smell, since you've met me in person? LOL!!!
Maybe I have one of those annoying voices/laughs like Janet on "Friends" or something. LOL!
C, yes I'm sure that to some extent the friends that I've had in the past I simply don't have much in common with, and that's understandable. Some of the people I've been trying to be friends with I do have a lot in common with (homeschool, kids the same age, etc.), and perhaps it is that they are just super busy, but it's just happened so many times that it has caused me to wonder if it's me.
I would like some friends - I'm not a socialite by any means, but I would like to have someone to call or get together with, especially when my dh is out of town (which is often). I'd just like to have a friend or 2. We simply have no one here, and the closest family member is 3 days away by car.
DM,
You know, I think you're right - people just aren't wanting to be close to other people anymore. (In general) I wonder why that is??? I long for a sense of "community." Not necessarily a group of people "just like me," but just a few people that I can help in their times of need, that will help me in my time of need, and that I can laugh and talk with.
Kirstin,
Pretty much all of my friends live at least 3 hours away and I keep in contact by long distance (Thank Father for unlimited long distance with my Lingo voIp) and email. Some of them contact me more often and others I do the contacting.
We have lived here a little over a year and I've got someone who I'm being a friend to and she is to me, but I wouldn't have chosen her myself since we are totally different. We do have single momhood in common since I went through that in my life. Otherwise, we are quite different. I know Father wants me to be her friend.
I think what the other ladies have said is worth taking to heart. The way this world is going, those that are Redeemed will have less friends. I think our presence might get a little too convicting at times even when we aren't trying to be at all.
One thing, you have One who really wants your friendship and your lack of irl friends right now might be because He wants your attention. Read what this lady wrote and it might encourage you. I would be glad to add you to my irl friends if we didn't live across the continent from each other. I appreciate your heart for our Messiah.
Love and shalom,
Serena
Holly,
I deleted the whole post because 1) I heard that it may not be true LOL, and 2) I didn't like my attitude in it. Too gripy. LOL!
The one thing I have noticed in rural central Kentucky where we live is that people have their support system already. It is their extended family. They already know who they are going to have to help them in their times of need. They have all the built in babysitting they could ever want.
In some cases, I suspect that people haven't ever even *had* a friend outside of their family or the people they grew up with. For us, we're originally from NY state, so even thought we've lived in KY for almost 15 years, we'll always be "outsiders" to these people.
The one thing we are doing now that does seem to help, is that we are in a church that is very relationship oriented. Not just surface-y stuff either. But actually trying to build strong relationships through real stuff. That, coupled with the fact that most of the people there are also not originally from KY and are far from family, seems to have some good potential for real relationships.
Still, those friendships take a lot of energy. My very best friend and I have been buddies for over 12 years. We've been through a lot, including stages where the one or the other of us maybe could have done without continuing the relationship. We've actually *worked* at this relationship, gotten through some sticky times, etc. It has been worth it, but in some ways it has been more like a committed relationship where we just weren't willing to walk away after all we had invested. I do not find many people who seem willing to put that much effort into a friendship.
Serena,
Thanks for the link...I've added her to my feed reader - what a great post!
I am thankful that Jesus is my Friend, and I tell ya, that is what has gotten me through these last 8ish years without one. It still sort of hurts though, ya know, that people aren't real crazy about being friends with me.
And really the people I'm referring to are people that I'd LIKE to be friends with - ones that I admire or think would be encouraging. I've had plenty of contact with people who honestly I wouldn't WANT to be friends with, and I am certainly not sad that they don't like me. (Although sometimes they do LOL!)
Holly,
Yes, I remember, and I remember thinking of HOW WELL I COULD RELATE. Well, all except the pastor's wife stuff. LOL!
Cynthia,
"In the meantime, you have many friends here. It's a different kind of friend, but I think each person here loves you."
Online friends have been pretty much it in the last several years also. They have been a constant in all of our moves. In a way I think it freaks IRL people out when I say something about being online or something, or heaven forbid getting together with online friends (which I've done)!!! When #3 was born, one of my online friends cared for my older 2 because we had just moved into the area about 4 weeks prior, and let me tell ya, my IRL friends FREAKED OUT about that!!! I've flown across the country to meet some (that's how I met Virginia!). IRL people seem to think that is just plain freaky, and so I'm thinking I may just need to keep my online friends a secret or something, I dunno.
"In some cases, I suspect that people haven't ever even *had* a friend outside of their family or the people they grew up with. For us, we're originally from NY state, so even thought we've lived in KY for almost 15 years, we'll always be "outsiders" to these people."
This is EXACTLY how it was when we were in Arkansas. We lived in the town my dh grew up in and his dad grew up in. Dh had lived away for about 14 years, however, and I had never lived there. I NEVER was able to get "in." Though the frustrating thing was that everyone at church, since they all knew dh and his parents (even though we went to a different church, it was a SMALL town so everyone knew everyone), they all assumed that I knew everyone. So they'd talk to me about all sorts of people, or they'd mention stuff I had no idea about. And no one actually took the time to get to know me. I was most definitely an outsider. Dh was somewhat of an outsider since he had changed a lot (unlike those he had gone to school with that were still in town), and he'd gone off and gotten his doctorate, and most of them had simply never left town. So he really had nothing in common with anyone (not that he was ever home anyway).
This does have a funny component though. When my inlaws were here a few months back, fil mentioned that some lady saw him and had told him how I had been using her choir robe at church and how I had a nice singing voice and such. I said that her name sounded familiar but I couldn't remember exactly. I also said that especially in that town everyone knew us but we didn't know anybody, which was why I couldn't really remember who she was. Fil said how it's just a different culture there. I said, "Boy you've got that right." He said, "A friendlier culture." I said, "I wouldn't go that far." ;-)
But yes, it was very hard to get "in" there. Dh's grandaddy lived there for 40 years and never got "in" since he didn't grow up there. But his wife got "in" despite not growing up there - she was the county health nurse. I think that's why. The football coach and his wife got "in" immediately after moving there because of their place in the community.
I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad to move away from there!!!!!
Dawn,
LOLOL!!!!! Yes, I bet we would get along. I'm sure you do actually smell - like spit up. LOL! But I won't say anything. :-D
I haven't had a lot of IRL friends, especially since getting married and moving. It didn't help that the church we were going to didn't have any young marrieds my age and the singles my age all grouped together.
sometimes people are just selfish. They get so caught up in their lives that they don't care to reach out to new people. Or maybe they are shy, and like you, but also look up to you so maybe they feel like YOU wouldn't want to be friends with them. Who knows.
I've enjoyed reading your blog and we seem to have a lot of things in common. If I lived near you I'd love to get together with you IRL.
I'll be praying for you that God does bring some RL friends your way.
i like you!
Well, you've read my blog, and know I feel the exact same way. {{hugs}}
I know I'm coming in late here...
I usually think people don't like me. I don't know why. I do the friendly vibe thing too, but generally, I always feel like people don't like me. I have two really good friends, and that's it. One of my friends says I'm intimidating, and I can't figure out why. I'm sure you will find a way to figure all this out.
I'd love to know you in person!
I find that everyone I know is busy, with a job, homeschooling, or running their children to activities/therapies. Overwhelmingly, amazingly, honestly busy.
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