Keer "Unplugged": Created To Be His Help Meet

Since I'm somewhat of a prude and chapter 16 is about s*x, I'm only going to touch on a few points. ;-)

First of all, while I know that Mrs. Pearl isn't real keen on people going back to the Greek translations, I did anyway. Titus 2:4, translated in English says, "to love their husbands." The word translated "love" in this phrase is Philandros, which is essentially a compound word from Philos (friend, to be friendly to one, wish him well, he who associates familiarly with one, a companion) and Aner (husband). So the word for "love" has a slightly different connotation in this passage than Mrs. Pearl says it does (page 164):

No woman really loves her husband if she does not seek to please him in this most important area. If you are not interested in s*x, then at least be interested in him enough to give him good s*x. If you are not loving your man, you are in danger of blaspheming the word of God - "to love their husbands." The Bible says, "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin" (James 4:17). Hopefully you just didn't realize that your lack of s*xual interest in your husband was sin, but now you know.

However, I guess if she didn't say that the word "love" in this passage was referring specifically to s*x, she wouldn't be able to cover this topic in this chapter, would she? :-P

Page 163:

When a woman is not interested in his most consuming passion, he feels that she is not interested in him. When a woman just "allows, cooperates, and tolerates," it leaves a man feeling sick at heart. If, to a man, s*x was just c*pulation, he would make his deposit and be satisfied, but to him it is intimacy, a merging of spirits, a way of saying, "I love you...I need you...I like you." A man's most basic needs are warm s*xual love, approval, and admiration. For his wife to be willing but indifferent, speaks of neither s*x nor love.

From what I understand, Shaunti Feldhahn's book, For Women Only expresses the same sentiment. Husbands would just about rather not have s*x at all than for their wives to just "put up with" s*x. They want their wives to participate and enjoy it. They don't really enjoy it unless they know their wives do too.

However, Mrs. Pearl doesn't leave much room for some sort of physical condition or emotional trauma that might cause problems in this area. Page 163:

There are a multitude of excuses women use to explain why they would "rather not" or why they "cannot respond" s*xually. I believe I have heard them all. Her husband knows in his spirit that all her excuses are just that: excuses for not wanting him.

Page 170:

Don't talk to me about menopause; I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don't talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give s*x to your husband? Stop the excuses! Determine to find a way past your "excuses," and provide the pleasure your husband wants only from you.

Page 175:

Traits of a Wife Who is in Danger of Blaspheming the Word of God
*snip*
Excuses her lack of wanting to satisfy him s*xually on the grounds that ___________. (You fill in the blank. The "Excuses List" can be very long.)

I TOTALLY understand that some women are perfectly fine without s*x, and so they DO make lots of excuses as to why "not tonight." The old "I have a headache" line is a line because of that attitude! But Mrs. Pearl isn't referring to just those reasons - she is referring to anything that would cause a woman to say "not tonight." (I could read more into this paragraph and say that she's not saying that, but I'm taking her words as she stated them and will not assume something that she didn't write.) Got some sort of a physical problem as a result of a childbirth complication? Had to have surgery? Are you on some sort of medication that would affect this area of your life? Have you experienced some sort of trauma in your life like m*lestation, r*pe, etc.? Tough. You'd better suck it up, give your husband the pleasure he needs, and oh by the way, enjoy it too. If you don't you're blaspheming God's Word.

*sigh*

Page 169:

For a woman, s*xual expression starts in her mind and heart. Love is giving up your center, your self-interest. It is choosing another's needs above your own. A woman chooses to be interested or not interested in her husband's needs. *snip* She need not wait until she is stimulated to desire er*ticism; she need only seek to fulfill her husband's need. I have a tip for you: when you make your husband's needs central, you will get turned on to the experience and enjoy it yourself.

I have heard this from other sources as well. It's a good swift kick in the pants for women who are waiting to be "in the mood."

Mrs. Pearl takes an interesting turn, however. Page 170:

Hormones respond to stimuli. You remember the story of Ruth? She gave her baby to old Naomi to nurse. It is a fact that an old woman who has not had a baby in twenty or more years can produce milk in her breasts and be able to nurse a baby. It just takes the physical stimulation of the baby attempting to nurse to provoke her glands into producing milk.

Now, I'm not disagreeing completely with her. I have talked with women who have nursed their adopted babies. I have even seen an article where a MAN nursed his daughter after his wife died suddenly. (In that situation, it was solely for comfort rather than much nourishment!) However, this verse (Ruth 4:16) is not referring to that. Since Mrs. Pearl is solely relying on the KJV, which says "nurse," I'm sure that's where the problem lies. The Hebrew word used in this verse is 'aman, which means "to support, confirm, be faithful." There is an entirely different word in the Hebrew referring to breastfeeding: yanaq. That word is NOT used here, so no, Naomi did not take Obed and breastfeed him.

I think America is the only place where "nurse" means "to breastfeed" anyway. I've heard from moms (or I guess it would be mums, wouldn't it LOL) in Great Britain, Australia, or New Zealand, and the word "nurse" there means "to cuddle, care for, rock, etc." After I had my 4th baby, one of my night nurses in the hospital was British. I was nursing (breastfeeding) him, and she asked, "Oh, did you feed your other children too?" I'd never heard that before, and I thought, no, I let them starve LOL! But as I later learned, only a lactating mother can "feed" her baby. But anyone can "nurse" him.

So yes, I agree that hormones respond to stimuli. But I strongly disagree with her "Scriptural support" for the statement.

Mrs. Pearl does briefly discuss an*l s*x and why a wife should decline to participate if her husband wants to do this. She also discusses what to do if your husband ever molests your child. It's good to know that in SOME (albeit very extreme) situations even Mrs. Pearl says it's OK to not submit. I'm not sure I agree with what she says on these two subjects, but at least she doesn't say that women just need to stay quiet and let their husbands do whatever they want.

As I said, I'm not going to get into the "nitty gritty" of this chapter because, to be honest, it was quite embarrassing to read. I don't WANT to read how Mr. Pearl thinks that Mrs. Pearl is a "mighty fine minister." (Some women do find this style of writing refreshing, which is fine and is just a different of opinion. I don't.) The basics of the chapter (men NEED their wives in this way) were good. The extras (excuses are not allowed) were bad.

13 Comments:

Great job! I hate this chapter more than any other. It is so one sided and the letter from Mr. Miller makes me worry about the advice that they are giving people.

spunky

I've read the Shaunti Feldhahn book and I didn't have the impression you had. I think Shaunti is saying, "they'd rather you be in to it, because they desire to pleasure you, and seeing you pleased pleases them. But if for some reason you are doing it for them, well they'll take it.

I actually really like For Women Only. It really opened my eyes. I think there should be one For men only though....to tell the other side.

Virginia,

For Women Only is in my stack of books to read. Dh heard her on the radio (discussing this topic *blush*) and said that she was right on. LOL I meant to say what you said - that's what Mrs. Pearl is saying too. I guess I didn't word it correctly. She is saying that they don't want us to just do it for their sake - they want us to actually ENJOY it.

Dh said the same thing - they need to have a For Men Only book. (He read my For Women Only LOL!)

Ahh thanks for clarifying. I thought you were saying Shaunti was on the same page as Debi is, and I thought, "Whoa, I didn't get that impression at all!"

LOL in a way I was! Debi isn't saying, "Just suck it up and do your duty." She is saying, "Your husband wants you to enjoy it too. It hurts him and makes him sad if you just go through the motions to give him s*x. More than s*x he wants you to enjoy it too."

Isn't that what Shaunti says too?

This is one of those Pearl catch-22s that never add up to me. YES, my husband wants me to be Into It. What he does NOT want is me Faking It. If I am hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually, or whatever and it is impacting my ability to be intimate with him, he would much rather know about it and help me with it than to have me stuff it down and pretend nothing is wrong. It seems to me that with Debi's advice, there is no room for my humanity or my needs, only for me to live a life of lies and mind-over-matter. To me, a real man wants to help him wife be whole, not empty and pretending. Mine does, anyhow. Works for us.

DollyMama,

BINGO. I felt HORRIBLE as I read this chapter. (So much for the whole "this book is so freeing and encouraging" stuff I keep hearing about this book!) I have had physical problems that have affected this area. I know what she is talking about with the dh wanting us to enjoy it, but now Mrs. Pearl has elevated not enjoying it to sin. So reading this chapter put SO MUCH PRESSURE on me. I'm glad I'm not dealing with those problems right now or else I would have felt even worse.

Mrs. Pearl leaves absolutely no room for legitimate problems that interfere in this area and labels even those as blaspheming God. How is this FREEING????? :-(

"This is why I stopped reading it to begin with. How often do we tell each other, "DON'T assume!!! 'Don't "read into" so and such's words' and yet, with Mrs. Pearl, it seems as though this is what we should do. *roll eyes*. A few poorly written comments maybe, but the majority of what she says seems to need the application of 'don't take what she actually says, give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she really means xyz'."

Exactly. Anytime I've expressed concern about what Mrs. Pearl says in her book, people have accused me of misreading her book. "What she is saying here is...." is usually what they tell me. Well, if she is saying that, then she needs to SAY THAT rather than saying something else! Either her advice stinks (based on the words she actually uses), or she is a poor writer since she does not actually mean what she writes.

Interestingly, the only other authors besides the Pearls that seem to have a cheering section saying, "Oh, posh! They don't really mean THAT! They *say* that but they *mean* this..." are the Ezzos......

Oh yeah Holly, the BASICS behind the chapter are good, and I know that I need to put into practice many of the things. I know that this is a huge problem in marriages today.

It was just all the extra "stuff" that she threw in that troubled me. (As usual.)

The "no a**l s*x rule" is because that is a h**os*xual act, which is one of their pet issues. (P*rnography is their other one.) Tax evasion...that's excusable, but those 2? Look out.

(I'm getting ahead of myself though. ;-) )

Yes, from what I can remember (nursing so I can't double-check right now), this is the one act that is forbidden. I can see their reasoning too. (Besides the "ew yuck" factor LOL) H*m*s*xuality and p*rnography just tend to be the Big Two No-Nos, so I wasn't surprised that a**l s*x got such a strong reaction.

I have read only two complete chapters of this book. I stopped reading when I read a letter a friend of mine wrote...didn't know it was there, and didn't know she would be misquoted or used in such a nasty way.

I'd like to comment on the chapter spoken of here about excuses. I have cystic ovaries, well, one ovary now. I have lost one because the doctor I saw at the time didn't try to save the ovary. At times the pain from cysts that have gotten too large make even walking painful. I almost lost my life due to one rupturing and hemoraging.

I wonder if I would hear from Mrs. Pearl the same thing I heard from a well-meaning woman at church, "Oh, that's all in your head." Really? I spent a week in the hospital, and eight recovering. I didn't ask for this, I didn't think in my head, "I don't want to love my husband."

Keer "Unplugged"

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Created To Be His Help Meet - Chapter 16

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