Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Effective Parenting Tip: Obey First
I received this great e-mail from
Effective Parenting:
Obey First and Then We'll Talk About It
When parents give an instruction but children don't want to comply or it's not convenient for them, sometimes they need to learn to "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This emphasizes obedience.
If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, "Brian, we don't climb on chairs."
"But I was just."
"No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we'll talk about it." Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together.
"Karl, go get your pajamas on."
"I don't want to go to bed."
"No, obey first and then we'll talk about it."
To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We've all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn't think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader's instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill.
Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can't follow simple instructions without a dialogue. Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don't like a request then that's enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else's leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven't learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others.
Talking about it is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn't know why he was to go to Cornelius' house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ.
Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must "obey first and then we'll talk about it."
This parenting tip is taken from the book, "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids," by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. Or if you'd like help developing an action plan for your family, consider a phone coaching session with Dr. Scott Turansky. Check out these and more resources for your family at www.biblicalparenting.org.
7 Comments:
Posted this earlier then deleted it when I started talking with dh about it (when we first started talking I thought perhaps I had misinterpreted something), but now I'm reposting it. :-)
"Also in the Bible is Moses. Who not only questioned God when God called him to lead His people out of Egypt, but continued to make excuses before obeying. God even "changed" his instructions to accomodate Moses, by giving Aaron to Moses to help him."
However, Exodus 4:14 says, "Then the anger of the Lord blazed against Moses;" Moses arguing with God was not OK. God did accomodate him, but it is certainly not behavior we need to emulate, nor is it behavior we should encourage in our children.
"And there is also a place for parents to come alongside our children, help them to obey, and help bear their burdens. . . Even when our children answer 'Yes, but. . .'"
Those times should be the exception, not the rule. I have tended to "help" my children obey way too often, and now I have children that DON'T obey, period. One in particular argues about every single instruction I give him, since that is, in effect, what I taught him - I didn't require obedience FIRST and discussion AFTER.
I thought I was setting him up for success by giving grace, discussing, being sensitive, etc. Now I realize that I've done him (and the 3 to follow...only 3 since the baby is only 9 months ;-) ) a HUGE disservice.
Oops....hope I didn't give the impression that I wrote any of that article. I stole it right from my e-mail box. Pretty much the whole post is a big quote. :-)
Yes, discernment is KEY...on both ends of the spectrum. ;-)
Nope, no toe-stomping, but I do hope you know that I am SO NOT in the Ezzo-world anymore, so that's not where I'm coming from at all. ;-)
But I've had equally (if not more so) bad results from the "tools" I received from my ventures on the other side (which is why I'm dealing with what I'm dealing with now *sigh* ). That's one thing I am liking about the folks I got this e-mail from. They are truly a good balance. They focus on relationship AND obedience. I tend to skim through the e-mails I get on relationship-building since those aren't the areas I struggle in LOL!
RBM: Oh I can relate! I love reading your thoughts on this topic as we have so much in common. I've gone from Pearl's to learning about grace-based parenting to trying to figure out how the heck things are going to work for us.
I've learned a lot of good things from GBD, but.... there are just some things I don't agree with.
Though I will *never* go back to Pearl and Ezzo.
I feel like I don't fit in any "category." So I'm excited to check out the website you recommend.
Thanks for posting about it!
I know what you mean Anne! I have gone from one extreme to the other, and now that I'm away from both I have both of their "voices" duking it out in my head when I'm confronted with certain situations LOL! Both "sides" cause me to second-guess myself, and I just wish I'd never heard of ANY of it - ugh!!!
EXACTLY what I think at times!!!!!!!!
LOL!!!
I guess that's when the prayer part and trying to figure out what *God* is trying to tell me comes in!
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