Monday, June 06, 2005
This is the type of woman I'm talking about
I received this e-mail from a woman who read my blog and the reviews of
Created To Be His Help Meet. I have permission to share what she wrote (not including her name, of course). I share her story because it is the PERFECT EXAMPLE of what Mrs. Pearl's book has done to some women.
the first part of Debi Pearl's book bothered me, especially the trash incident. The last half of the book I did enjoy, and have recommended it to many wives.............but I do have many problems with the book too.
Your blog encouraged me because after reading her book I began to feel very inadequate, even more than I did before. Like I wasn't good enough, and I had to worry about these other women who *want my man.* I'm married to a man who has a serious problem with lust, (40 plus years) and as a result it has caused him to have a very low opinion of women. There is nothing I can do, or be, that will please him, or make him love me. And, her book made me feel so inadequate, like it's all my fault, which I know it isn't. At least my head knows it isn't my fault, but my heart doesn't. The truth is, there is nothing I can do, or be that will cause my husband to love me, or want me. It's only GOD who can change his heart, and I know because I've walked this path for almost sixteen years. I did the wrong thing for many years, but in the past several years, the Lord has changed me in many ways, but none of it has caused my dh to love nor want me.
Her book did seem to have a fear aspect to it, I saw that as well. I do agree with what the Bible says about women, and their roles, etc., but not with the way I felt after reading the book.
Thanks for your input about the book.
Then when I asked for permission to share her story, she sent me this:
You are the first person who I've seen say something negative about the book. Aside from your blog, I haven't seen anyone else say anything negative. I don't care for any books that make wives feel like we have to be perfect, and if we aren't there are other women ready to take our dh's away.
The Pearls fail to see that only God can change a person's heart, and to put such pressure on a wife to behave perfectly just adds to the feelings of failure she already has.
Now, as I've said, this book may be helpful to some women. I've heard from LOTS who just LOVE it. And that is fine and good! But I'm just wanting to caution women who plan to read it. Just read it with much discernment! There are some good things in it, but there is also lots of bad, so be prepared to do lots of seed-spitting!
11 Comments:
thanks to your friend who shared with you about this...there will be more of the negatives as time rolls on
I have enjoyed your discussion of the book. I am skeptical of most books that try to tell women how to be wives. I will now read it closer- when I decide to buy it for myself, that is. :)
I'm new to your blog and I'm really enjoying it- thanks!
Anonymous 2 back again!
From the e-mail you received:
"It's only GOD who can change his heart"
This gets back to my original post. Therre is no mention of prayer. Only God can change hearts and that is where prayer comes into the picture.
Your comment:
"There are some good things in it, but there is also lots of bad, so be prepared to do lots of seed-spitting!"
Some good? Lots of bad? Why bother reading it in the first place if this is true? What if I miss some bad seeds and don't spit them out?
Precisely, Anonymous 2! So far there has been no mention of prayer and the power of God. If a husband is mistreating his wife, supposedly the wife is just supposed to be MORE (joyful, loving, serving, s*xy, playful, etc.), and that will change her husband. Um, no.
BY ALL MEANS, if you don't want to read it, then don't. I personally began reading it because of all the wonderful things people had been telling me about it. Then as I got started, I thought, "Huh???????" Some women may want to still read it. Why, I have no idea LOL! But of course if they want to, more power to them. For those, I HIGHLY recommend reading it with an open Bible. But for those who don't want to read it...don't worry, you're not missing much.
Wow...
I didn't know you've reviewed the book, and I haven't read all of your thoughts yet. I look forward to seeing what you have to say.
I do feel like the reviewers are depicted here as a little gushy. Actually, I probably WAS gushy at first, because I did get a lot out of the book.
But what you and your commenter say is always, always true: read with discernment and an open Bible. Debi's book can't "do" anything to women; they choose how to perceive and be affected by her words. Sure, if you see nothing of worth, chuck it! But I think that most of us can benefit at least somewhat from examining ourselves, and I found that this book encouraged me to do that.
Anyway, I don't see why any of us would be at odds with one another over this. It doesn't have to be "us" and "them." My friend Anne doesn't like CTBHHM...that's okay. I didn't write the book, so I don't have to defend it. :) We can just discuss and learn together.
I always like a good discussion, though, and am glad to see one here!
I am enjoying reading your comments on the book even though I have not read it yet! I usually do not read marriage books as I have a very different marriage than most people! I myself have experienced with several other women what happens when someone blames women for everything. Whenever God's plan for marriage is messed up the man being too authoritive or the wife not submitting to proper authority it leads to terrible consequences for the family and church.
Thanks for such a honest reviews of the each chapter!
Anonymous 2 again.
". . .terrible consequences for the family and church."
I totally agree. A good friend of mine was murdered by her husband, at least partially because she was told to go back and love him to the Lord. While I do believe that divorce is totally out of the picture, that experience does influence my tolerence level of physical abuse that should cause one to get out of the situation. (How thankful I am that that is not a concern in my marriage.)
I meant to leave my name!!! Computers!
How awful, yes, that is what I mean. Not only have I seen this personally, but it affected my closest friends and relatives!
Martha
"Debi's book can't "do" anything to women; they choose how to perceive and be affected by her words."
I wanted to respond to the person who posted the above. That is a popular myth in the counseling world. But to a woman who is being treated by her husband like she is nothing,and being verbally abused, words do have power to hurt, and to bring others down, and yes words can even cause women (anyone really) to feel lower, and more inferior than they already do.
I'm jumping in an old conversation again, but when I read the book I noticed that there really was no emphasis on the blood of our Redeemer, Yeshua(Jesus), or of the need of the cross in our lives. I also agree that prayer was not really touched on much or at all, either. It really is a religious book, not truly scriptural but with scriptural truth in it. It offers a religious way of dealing with things, but no real power for doing it.
Love and shalom,
Serena
Very well-put, Serena!
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